When I am talking with youth about screen time, I often ask them, “What do you want your parents to understand regarding your screen time?” The number one response is “I want them to trust me.” Many of the same kids go on to tell me about the ways they sneak tech time from their parents—under the covers, during school days, etc. It took me awhile to wrap my head around this disconnect.
I have to come to understand how kids are telling the truth about how much our trust means to them. They want adults to believe that they are capable of making things happen and capable of being independent. They need our trust and our confidence to give them the strength to deal with all the challenges they face in growing up.
So why lie? Kids and teens lie to us about a lot of things, but usually, it's in the form of withholding information and not blatant lies. One of the big reasons that research shows is they don’t want to be judged poorly by adults, it's not just that they don’t want to get in trouble.
Parents often put honesty at the top of the list of virtues they most want in their children. Plain and simple, right? Not really. We, humans, partake in many untruths all the time. Yep, we lie in different forms—a lot. Kids hear us twist the truth, omit things wittingly, and so on.
Developmentally, lying takes intelligence. It's a skill young kids start to explore around age three and then increases until they're about six years old. Usually, by seven it's on the decline. When kids hit pre-teen and teen years, when sensation seeking urges increase and desire for greater autonomy also increases, often they will withhold information and at times will lie.
Sneaking screen time is ubiquitous, it can cause a ton of friction in homes and put strife into relationships. Kids don't feel happy about sneaking—it comes at an emotional cost. They know at some deep level that they are undermining the one thing they want so much: trust.
Here is an example. Tommy, from Screenagers, admitted to me he would sneak his iPad at bedtime. Even though he used it under the covers, his parents could see the light. When Tommy got caught, Tommy’s dad told me he didn’t punish him. Instead, he had a conversation with Tommy about why using his device after bedtime was not good for his health and sleep. He wanted Tommy to understand that, while he understood the pull of the game on his iPad, there were reasons for needing to set limits.
Lastly, I have learned that as much as youth want to be trusted, they want to be understood. So let's listen. Show them that their voice matters and make adjustments to rules now and then. For example, if a teen makes a good argument for why his/her phone should not be put away at 9:30 but 10, then you may decide to do that but stick to another rule, like making sure all screens are out of the bedroom at bedtime. You can explain to your teen science and experience shows us that “sleep is supreme.” You know me—I always want to do a plug for sleep hygiene.
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Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for our latest Podcast
Learn more about our Screen-Free Sleep campaign at the website!
Our movie made for parents and educators of younger kids
Learn more about showing our movies in your school or community!
Learn more about showing our movies in your school or community!
Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for our latest Podcast
Learn more about our Screen-Free Sleep campaign at the website!
Our movie made for parents and educators of younger kids
Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for our latest Podcast
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When I am talking with youth about screen time, I often ask them, “What do you want your parents to understand regarding your screen time?” The number one response is “I want them to trust me.” Many of the same kids go on to tell me about the ways they sneak tech time from their parents—under the covers, during school days, etc. It took me awhile to wrap my head around this disconnect.
I have to come to understand how kids are telling the truth about how much our trust means to them. They want adults to believe that they are capable of making things happen and capable of being independent. They need our trust and our confidence to give them the strength to deal with all the challenges they face in growing up.
So why lie? Kids and teens lie to us about a lot of things, but usually, it's in the form of withholding information and not blatant lies. One of the big reasons that research shows is they don’t want to be judged poorly by adults, it's not just that they don’t want to get in trouble.
Parents often put honesty at the top of the list of virtues they most want in their children. Plain and simple, right? Not really. We, humans, partake in many untruths all the time. Yep, we lie in different forms—a lot. Kids hear us twist the truth, omit things wittingly, and so on.
Developmentally, lying takes intelligence. It's a skill young kids start to explore around age three and then increases until they're about six years old. Usually, by seven it's on the decline. When kids hit pre-teen and teen years, when sensation seeking urges increase and desire for greater autonomy also increases, often they will withhold information and at times will lie.
Sneaking screen time is ubiquitous, it can cause a ton of friction in homes and put strife into relationships. Kids don't feel happy about sneaking—it comes at an emotional cost. They know at some deep level that they are undermining the one thing they want so much: trust.
Here is an example. Tommy, from Screenagers, admitted to me he would sneak his iPad at bedtime. Even though he used it under the covers, his parents could see the light. When Tommy got caught, Tommy’s dad told me he didn’t punish him. Instead, he had a conversation with Tommy about why using his device after bedtime was not good for his health and sleep. He wanted Tommy to understand that, while he understood the pull of the game on his iPad, there were reasons for needing to set limits.
Lastly, I have learned that as much as youth want to be trusted, they want to be understood. So let's listen. Show them that their voice matters and make adjustments to rules now and then. For example, if a teen makes a good argument for why his/her phone should not be put away at 9:30 but 10, then you may decide to do that but stick to another rule, like making sure all screens are out of the bedroom at bedtime. You can explain to your teen science and experience shows us that “sleep is supreme.” You know me—I always want to do a plug for sleep hygiene.
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When I am talking with youth about screen time, I often ask them, “What do you want your parents to understand regarding your screen time?” The number one response is “I want them to trust me.” Many of the same kids go on to tell me about the ways they sneak tech time from their parents—under the covers, during school days, etc. It took me awhile to wrap my head around this disconnect.
I have to come to understand how kids are telling the truth about how much our trust means to them. They want adults to believe that they are capable of making things happen and capable of being independent. They need our trust and our confidence to give them the strength to deal with all the challenges they face in growing up.
So why lie? Kids and teens lie to us about a lot of things, but usually, it's in the form of withholding information and not blatant lies. One of the big reasons that research shows is they don’t want to be judged poorly by adults, it's not just that they don’t want to get in trouble.
Parents often put honesty at the top of the list of virtues they most want in their children. Plain and simple, right? Not really. We, humans, partake in many untruths all the time. Yep, we lie in different forms—a lot. Kids hear us twist the truth, omit things wittingly, and so on.
Developmentally, lying takes intelligence. It's a skill young kids start to explore around age three and then increases until they're about six years old. Usually, by seven it's on the decline. When kids hit pre-teen and teen years, when sensation seeking urges increase and desire for greater autonomy also increases, often they will withhold information and at times will lie.
Sneaking screen time is ubiquitous, it can cause a ton of friction in homes and put strife into relationships. Kids don't feel happy about sneaking—it comes at an emotional cost. They know at some deep level that they are undermining the one thing they want so much: trust.
Here is an example. Tommy, from Screenagers, admitted to me he would sneak his iPad at bedtime. Even though he used it under the covers, his parents could see the light. When Tommy got caught, Tommy’s dad told me he didn’t punish him. Instead, he had a conversation with Tommy about why using his device after bedtime was not good for his health and sleep. He wanted Tommy to understand that, while he understood the pull of the game on his iPad, there were reasons for needing to set limits.
Lastly, I have learned that as much as youth want to be trusted, they want to be understood. So let's listen. Show them that their voice matters and make adjustments to rules now and then. For example, if a teen makes a good argument for why his/her phone should not be put away at 9:30 but 10, then you may decide to do that but stick to another rule, like making sure all screens are out of the bedroom at bedtime. You can explain to your teen science and experience shows us that “sleep is supreme.” You know me—I always want to do a plug for sleep hygiene.
A new Louis Theroux documentary on Netflix exposes the growing network of online influencers pushing sexism, misogyny, and a narrow vision of masculinity on boys and young men. Combined with last year's hit series Adolescence, it is a wake-up call for parents. The good news: there is a lot we can do. This week, I round up our most relevant blogs and podcast episodes from recent months, covering everything from the "interrupter" technique to boys' mental health, phones in schools, online sports betting, pornography, and the manosphere's exploitation of boys' loneliness. The research is clear that parents who show up with curiosity, honesty, and consistency have more influence than they realize.
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When kids struggle with big emotions, many parents reach for a screen to keep the peace — but this can get in the way of children developing real coping skills. Drawing on research from Dr. Jenny Radesky, this post shares two practical strategies: using the Zones of Regulation color system to help kids name and process their feelings, and doing a toy swap with another parent to build your "vulnerable village" of support. Both approaches turn difficult screen-time moments into opportunities for emotional growth.
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When teens say they hate you, it often feels personal, but it may not truly be about you. Teens sometimes direct their overwhelming feelings toward the safest person in their life. Instead of responding with logic or backing down out of fear, check that your limits are fair, practice self-compassion, and focus on validation rather than correction. If conflict feels stuck, family counseling can help both sides feel heard and understood.
READ MORE >for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.
