I have immense gratitude for the teachers, school administrators, school counselors, and many more who are doing so much to make learning happen from our homes.
That said, it's not a surprise that there are many hurdles. Some schools have it more wired in than others, some teachers have adapted better than others, and so on. So where does that leave us, parents? What can parents do to feel they are helping their kids' education besides what they are already doing?
Now is an excellent time for us to step into the work of educating them on coping with emotions, which our schools do not usually cover in much depth, although it is vital. I can't tell you the number of kids and teens I have spoken with who tell me their primary way of coping is turning to a screen to "numb out," "be distracted," and "try to forget about it."
Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) has been gaining traction in middle and high schools, but still far too few of them teach these skills. A landmark study of studies (called a meta-analysis) found that in schools where schoolwide SEL is taught, students averaged an 11-percentile gain in academic performance compared to other students. Of course, there were also gains in emotional skills, attitudes, and behaviors.
Last month my friend, Lizz Dexter-Mazza, PhD, an adolescent psychologist, was dealing with the stressors of her kids (ages 8, 12, and 13) doing school online. They had limited computers and she had to alter her kids' schedules from what the school was prescribing. Suddenly she had an idea, "Why not alter more than just their schedule?"
She told me:
"Since their school doesn't teach social-emotional learning, if I get to make the schedule and run 'the school,' then I also get to include SEL (social-emotional learning) as a core component."
Lizz and her husband, Jim Mazza, PhD, also a psychologist, have been working for years to bring SEL skills into middle and high schools. They started taping the lessons they have been providing to their three kids and you can find them here! I have to add that Lizz and Jim are incredible people and are so committed to the work they do.
Let me give a couple of social and emotional curriculum ideas that you can consider weaving into your discussions with your kids for their "Home-School Curriculum."
First topic: Self-awareness.
Gosh, even just writing that, I am aware of how mushy it sounds, but wait, hear me out. I was just talking with Nicholas Martino, who was awarded a teacher of the year announced in the Washington Post. He told me that one of the first things he does with his students is to have them reflect on their strengths and what areas they want to improve. Nicholas said that building self-awareness among his students is one of the most important things he does as an educator.
Thinking about what kids are and are not learning right now, let's get them to think about their long life as learners. I suggest asking them any of these types of questions: *(it can be effective to include yourself in the discussion and, of course, to be as non-judgemental as possible when kids give their answers.)
Second topic: Social media and the science of expressing emotions rather than suppressing emotions.
Social media and many of the shows kids watch do not show them how to express feelings. Instead, they show them how to be "cool."
In Screenagers NEXT CHAPTER, there was an eighth-grader who told me,
"I remember in a time of my life where I wanted people to know that I was happy. Let me just show this to the entire world how happy I am. I would post over, and over, and over again until I almost believed it myself when I obviously wasn't very happy. But I wanted to be. I wanted to be happy so bad, but I just wasn't."
Social media promotes perfection and performance over authenticity and compassion. This can be taxing on a person’s emotional well-being, particularly the pressure to look like they're doing okay when they are not feeling okay. (Of course, on a positive note, social media can be a way teens reach their friends to give or get support.)
If a teen is upset about something, what will they do with that uncomfortable feeling? One thing people try to do is to “down-regulate” their emotions. Down-regulation is when someone tries to lessen the emotion by doing things like trying not to think about it. The reason a person may do this is to attempt to feel less negatively affected by the feeling; in other words, feel better, but also to try not to look upset.
Researchers began conducting experiments on the effects of down-regulation, also referred to as "suppressing emotions." In the paper, "Emotion Regulation and Memory: The Cognitive Costs of Keeping One's Cool," Stanford researchers James Gross and Jane Richards report a study in which participants (average age 19.8) watched an accident in a video as a way to elicit emotions. Before the film, they told one group of participants to suppress their emotional reactions, and the other group did not get those instructions. Researchers found that the participants told to suppress their emotions recalled fewer details when asked about the film later, in comparison to the other groups.
Investigators have also found that suppressing emotions causes peoples' blood pressure to go up. Interestingly, not only does the blood pressure go up in the participants, but when they had to explain the film to someone else, while still suppressing any emotions elicited from the film, the blood pressure of the person they were talking to also went up! (This did not happen in the control groups.)
All this to say, as humans, it is so important to think about what emotions are we suppressing, and is it time to express them? With all the emotional stressors in homes right now, are things being talked about enough? Are people suppressing feelings they are having about interpersonal conflicts?
Third topic: Skills to help manage anxious feelings.
As you know, I am obsessed with getting skills to youth about how to handle hard emotions. Let me share a skill here that you can consider teaching in your "Home-School Curriculum."
When a person is having anxious feelings they can stop and ask themselves "Does the feeling fit the facts?" If it does, then it is all about problem-solving. For example, a student has a test tomorrow and they are anxious because they can not figure out what is going to be on it because they had problems with their Zoom. Well, this anxious feeling does fit the facts, so the goal would be for the student to problem solve. Maybe they decide to call some friends who are in the class to discuss the upcoming test.
Now let's take another anxious feeling. Maybe a child is feeling worried about a friendship. They want to call that person to see what is going on but they are too afraid. Does that feeling fit the facts? Is something awful going to happen if they call? Will they be shunned, mortified, rejected by that person, and all their friends? No! So the feeling does not fit the facts and then the goal would be to do the opposite and to call that person.
It is easier said than done to do the opposite of our fears. But that is the goal and when we can do it, it is great for building self-efficacy — even if one does not feel that way at the moment. I know this personally. This approach of, “Does the feeling fit the facts” is something one of my past therapists taught me and it has been very useful over the years. My teens also use it at times.
Ideas for conversation starters:
We NOW have a way for people to host online events during this time. We still strongly believe in the coming together as a group model for showing both movies, so these temporary online events will be here only while the social distancing is in place.
Click here if you are interested in hosting an online screening for your community.
Click here if you want to attend an online screening.
May 19, 2020
As well as our weekly blog, we publish videos like this one every week on the Screenagers YouTube channel
I have immense gratitude for the teachers, school administrators, school counselors, and many more who are doing so much to make learning happen from our homes.
That said, it's not a surprise that there are many hurdles. Some schools have it more wired in than others, some teachers have adapted better than others, and so on. So where does that leave us, parents? What can parents do to feel they are helping their kids' education besides what they are already doing?
Now is an excellent time for us to step into the work of educating them on coping with emotions, which our schools do not usually cover in much depth, although it is vital. I can't tell you the number of kids and teens I have spoken with who tell me their primary way of coping is turning to a screen to "numb out," "be distracted," and "try to forget about it."
Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) has been gaining traction in middle and high schools, but still far too few of them teach these skills. A landmark study of studies (called a meta-analysis) found that in schools where schoolwide SEL is taught, students averaged an 11-percentile gain in academic performance compared to other students. Of course, there were also gains in emotional skills, attitudes, and behaviors.
Last month my friend, Lizz Dexter-Mazza, PhD, an adolescent psychologist, was dealing with the stressors of her kids (ages 8, 12, and 13) doing school online. They had limited computers and she had to alter her kids' schedules from what the school was prescribing. Suddenly she had an idea, "Why not alter more than just their schedule?"
She told me:
"Since their school doesn't teach social-emotional learning, if I get to make the schedule and run 'the school,' then I also get to include SEL (social-emotional learning) as a core component."
Lizz and her husband, Jim Mazza, PhD, also a psychologist, have been working for years to bring SEL skills into middle and high schools. They started taping the lessons they have been providing to their three kids and you can find them here! I have to add that Lizz and Jim are incredible people and are so committed to the work they do.
Let me give a couple of social and emotional curriculum ideas that you can consider weaving into your discussions with your kids for their "Home-School Curriculum."
First topic: Self-awareness.
Gosh, even just writing that, I am aware of how mushy it sounds, but wait, hear me out. I was just talking with Nicholas Martino, who was awarded a teacher of the year announced in the Washington Post. He told me that one of the first things he does with his students is to have them reflect on their strengths and what areas they want to improve. Nicholas said that building self-awareness among his students is one of the most important things he does as an educator.
Thinking about what kids are and are not learning right now, let's get them to think about their long life as learners. I suggest asking them any of these types of questions: *(it can be effective to include yourself in the discussion and, of course, to be as non-judgemental as possible when kids give their answers.)
Second topic: Social media and the science of expressing emotions rather than suppressing emotions.
Social media and many of the shows kids watch do not show them how to express feelings. Instead, they show them how to be "cool."
In Screenagers NEXT CHAPTER, there was an eighth-grader who told me,
"I remember in a time of my life where I wanted people to know that I was happy. Let me just show this to the entire world how happy I am. I would post over, and over, and over again until I almost believed it myself when I obviously wasn't very happy. But I wanted to be. I wanted to be happy so bad, but I just wasn't."
Social media promotes perfection and performance over authenticity and compassion. This can be taxing on a person’s emotional well-being, particularly the pressure to look like they're doing okay when they are not feeling okay. (Of course, on a positive note, social media can be a way teens reach their friends to give or get support.)
If a teen is upset about something, what will they do with that uncomfortable feeling? One thing people try to do is to “down-regulate” their emotions. Down-regulation is when someone tries to lessen the emotion by doing things like trying not to think about it. The reason a person may do this is to attempt to feel less negatively affected by the feeling; in other words, feel better, but also to try not to look upset.
Researchers began conducting experiments on the effects of down-regulation, also referred to as "suppressing emotions." In the paper, "Emotion Regulation and Memory: The Cognitive Costs of Keeping One's Cool," Stanford researchers James Gross and Jane Richards report a study in which participants (average age 19.8) watched an accident in a video as a way to elicit emotions. Before the film, they told one group of participants to suppress their emotional reactions, and the other group did not get those instructions. Researchers found that the participants told to suppress their emotions recalled fewer details when asked about the film later, in comparison to the other groups.
Investigators have also found that suppressing emotions causes peoples' blood pressure to go up. Interestingly, not only does the blood pressure go up in the participants, but when they had to explain the film to someone else, while still suppressing any emotions elicited from the film, the blood pressure of the person they were talking to also went up! (This did not happen in the control groups.)
All this to say, as humans, it is so important to think about what emotions are we suppressing, and is it time to express them? With all the emotional stressors in homes right now, are things being talked about enough? Are people suppressing feelings they are having about interpersonal conflicts?
Third topic: Skills to help manage anxious feelings.
As you know, I am obsessed with getting skills to youth about how to handle hard emotions. Let me share a skill here that you can consider teaching in your "Home-School Curriculum."
When a person is having anxious feelings they can stop and ask themselves "Does the feeling fit the facts?" If it does, then it is all about problem-solving. For example, a student has a test tomorrow and they are anxious because they can not figure out what is going to be on it because they had problems with their Zoom. Well, this anxious feeling does fit the facts, so the goal would be for the student to problem solve. Maybe they decide to call some friends who are in the class to discuss the upcoming test.
Now let's take another anxious feeling. Maybe a child is feeling worried about a friendship. They want to call that person to see what is going on but they are too afraid. Does that feeling fit the facts? Is something awful going to happen if they call? Will they be shunned, mortified, rejected by that person, and all their friends? No! So the feeling does not fit the facts and then the goal would be to do the opposite and to call that person.
It is easier said than done to do the opposite of our fears. But that is the goal and when we can do it, it is great for building self-efficacy — even if one does not feel that way at the moment. I know this personally. This approach of, “Does the feeling fit the facts” is something one of my past therapists taught me and it has been very useful over the years. My teens also use it at times.
Ideas for conversation starters:
We NOW have a way for people to host online events during this time. We still strongly believe in the coming together as a group model for showing both movies, so these temporary online events will be here only while the social distancing is in place.
Click here if you are interested in hosting an online screening for your community.
Click here if you want to attend an online screening.
May 19, 2020
As well as our weekly blog, we publish videos like this one every week on the Screenagers YouTube channel
Some months ago, I got back into therapy, and I remember the first day back, the therapist asked me, “Do you do a self-compassion practice?” I remember the moment because I had one of those little head-scratching kind of moments. My therapist's question about a self-compassion practice made me want to understand what I might be missing and, most importantly, how self-compassion could help me as a parent and all parents.
READ MORE >
I just released a new Screenagers’ Podcast episode featuring a lively and productive interview with Charlie Appelstein, a social worker and the author of “No Such Thing As A Bad Kid,” who has worked with youth and parents for over four decades. He is full of wisdom about helping youth with behavior management. Having seen his parenting workshops, I can personally attest to the remarkable insights and impactful strategies he shares. In the podcast, we address challenging scenarios, including how to determine appropriate consequences for lying and managing rude behavior from our children and teenagers, among many other topics. Read today’s blog for a sampling of some screen time dilemmas and strategies for addressing them that we tackle on the podcast
READ MORE >
We recently launched the Screenagers YouTube Channel where we will be uploading a range of new content and resources each week, such as movie clips, podcasts and other original content. I wanted this week to introduce you to the first regular feature on the channel - Screenagers Bites!
READ MORE >for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.
