Any parent I ask says they love their child unconditionally. Yet, over all these years talking with children and teens, it has become clear to me that they experience love, in part, as conditional.
I once interviewed Jessie Lahey, the author of “The Gift of Failure.” She shared that when she visits schools to give talks, she asks students to raise their hands if they feel their parents love them more when they get better grades. Every time, over half of the students raise their hands.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace, an award-winning journalist, wrote the following in her book, “Never Enough.”
“…they are natural prodigies at translating our doublespeak, like when we say that grades aren’t everything but then ask how the test went the minute they walk in the door.”
… The consequences of associating love with achievement can last far beyond childhood. It can set our children up for a lifelong pattern of accepting themselves only with strings attached: I’ll be worthy when I get straight As, lose ten pounds, get 100K followers.”
This is a big, important, and messy topic—parent-child love. It encompasses how a child experiences love, both consciously and unconsciously.
I hope this blog inspires you to reflect on the ways you might be giving your child the impression that love is conditional — based on what they do, say, how they perform, how they look, what they hope to do in the future, and so on.
This reflection might inspire you to give your child a bear hug and say something like,
"I love you just as you are. I know I sometimes talk about how important it is to do this or that, and sometimes I say you shouldn't do certain things or that you should do more of something else. But the complete truth is, I love you. You are wonderful exactly as you are, and I am unbelievably lucky to have you in my life."
Learn more about showing our movies in your school or community!
Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for our latest Podcast
Learn more about our Screen-Free Sleep campaign at the website!
Our movie made for parents and educators of younger kids
Learn more about showing our movies in your school or community!
We parents have the impossible task of trying to motivate our kids to "reach their full potential." We get excited and jump up and down — metaphorically, literally, or both — when they succeed at things.
Our motivation and excitement can give them the impression that our love for them is tied to their achievements, making them feel that we love them more when they succeed. And, we get disappointed when it seems like all they want to do is play video games. We get angry when they sneak video gaming in the middle of the night. Or, we might lash out if we catch them drinking or smoking.
We say things like, "Just as long as you're trying your best," which is a perfect example of conditional love. I advise the parents I work with not to say this phrase. They don't mean any harm, but it puts a lot of emphasis on performance.
I have no doubt that while my kids know that I love them to the moon and back, their brains hear my motivations, the twinge in my voice, that they may interpret as a disappointment and unconsciously feel a sense of conditionality.
I make a point to tell them often that they are wonderful, just as they are. But I want to do it even more.
We are all in this together. Anyone reading this knows that, as parents, we understand kids often feel love is conditional. We can work to help counter that false belief.
Learn more about showing our movies in your school or community!
Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for our latest Podcast
Learn more about our Screen-Free Sleep campaign at the website!
Our movie made for parents and educators of younger kids
Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for our latest Podcast
Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube Channel! With new ones added regularly, you'll find over 100 videos covering parenting advice, guidance, podcasts, movie clips and more. Here's our latest!
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Any parent I ask says they love their child unconditionally. Yet, over all these years talking with children and teens, it has become clear to me that they experience love, in part, as conditional.
I once interviewed Jessie Lahey, the author of “The Gift of Failure.” She shared that when she visits schools to give talks, she asks students to raise their hands if they feel their parents love them more when they get better grades. Every time, over half of the students raise their hands.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace, an award-winning journalist, wrote the following in her book, “Never Enough.”
“…they are natural prodigies at translating our doublespeak, like when we say that grades aren’t everything but then ask how the test went the minute they walk in the door.”
… The consequences of associating love with achievement can last far beyond childhood. It can set our children up for a lifelong pattern of accepting themselves only with strings attached: I’ll be worthy when I get straight As, lose ten pounds, get 100K followers.”
This is a big, important, and messy topic—parent-child love. It encompasses how a child experiences love, both consciously and unconsciously.
I hope this blog inspires you to reflect on the ways you might be giving your child the impression that love is conditional — based on what they do, say, how they perform, how they look, what they hope to do in the future, and so on.
This reflection might inspire you to give your child a bear hug and say something like,
"I love you just as you are. I know I sometimes talk about how important it is to do this or that, and sometimes I say you shouldn't do certain things or that you should do more of something else. But the complete truth is, I love you. You are wonderful exactly as you are, and I am unbelievably lucky to have you in my life."
We parents have the impossible task of trying to motivate our kids to "reach their full potential." We get excited and jump up and down — metaphorically, literally, or both — when they succeed at things.
Our motivation and excitement can give them the impression that our love for them is tied to their achievements, making them feel that we love them more when they succeed. And, we get disappointed when it seems like all they want to do is play video games. We get angry when they sneak video gaming in the middle of the night. Or, we might lash out if we catch them drinking or smoking.
We say things like, "Just as long as you're trying your best," which is a perfect example of conditional love. I advise the parents I work with not to say this phrase. They don't mean any harm, but it puts a lot of emphasis on performance.
I have no doubt that while my kids know that I love them to the moon and back, their brains hear my motivations, the twinge in my voice, that they may interpret as a disappointment and unconsciously feel a sense of conditionality.
I make a point to tell them often that they are wonderful, just as they are. But I want to do it even more.
We are all in this together. Anyone reading this knows that, as parents, we understand kids often feel love is conditional. We can work to help counter that false belief.
Be sure to subscribe to our YouTube Channel! With new ones added regularly, you'll find over 100 videos covering parenting advice, guidance, podcasts, movie clips and more. Here's our latest!
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Any parent I ask says they love their child unconditionally. Yet, over all these years talking with children and teens, it has become clear to me that they experience love, in part, as conditional.
I once interviewed Jessie Lahey, the author of “The Gift of Failure.” She shared that when she visits schools to give talks, she asks students to raise their hands if they feel their parents love them more when they get better grades. Every time, over half of the students raise their hands.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace, an award-winning journalist, wrote the following in her book, “Never Enough.”
“…they are natural prodigies at translating our doublespeak, like when we say that grades aren’t everything but then ask how the test went the minute they walk in the door.”
… The consequences of associating love with achievement can last far beyond childhood. It can set our children up for a lifelong pattern of accepting themselves only with strings attached: I’ll be worthy when I get straight As, lose ten pounds, get 100K followers.”
This is a big, important, and messy topic—parent-child love. It encompasses how a child experiences love, both consciously and unconsciously.
I hope this blog inspires you to reflect on the ways you might be giving your child the impression that love is conditional — based on what they do, say, how they perform, how they look, what they hope to do in the future, and so on.
This reflection might inspire you to give your child a bear hug and say something like,
"I love you just as you are. I know I sometimes talk about how important it is to do this or that, and sometimes I say you shouldn't do certain things or that you should do more of something else. But the complete truth is, I love you. You are wonderful exactly as you are, and I am unbelievably lucky to have you in my life."
Many adults keep their phones by the bed — it feels harmless, even necessary. But what if that habit is quietly affecting our sleep and the example we set for our kids? In this week’s blog, Dr. Ruston shares two key things every parent should know about sleeping next to a phone, and how small nighttime tech changes can make a big difference for the whole family.
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From Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto to violence and gunfire in movies and shows, aggression is a constant backdrop in boys’ media diets. And with various influencers and online personalities framing success through the lens of strength, competition, dominance and winning, boys are being handed a narrow script for masculinity. As parents, one of the most important things we can do is offer a counterweight. We can help boys strengthen empathy, compassion, and respect as core traits of masculinity, so they have a broader, healthier vision of who they can become.
READ MORE >
Last week we introduced you to our Screen-Free Sleep campaign! Since then, we’ve been flooded with emails and calls, and most are asking the same question: How can we get this spreading in our school? Today’s blog has the answers.
READ MORE >for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.
