Life, both online and off, is full of setbacks. It just is.
Resiliency is the ability to recover after a setback. For example, you’re a teen and nervously post a video of something you did over Thanksgiving break. You’re nervous because unlike posting a photo where you can put your settings such that people won’t be able to put likes, you can’t do that for videos. Now you feel vulnerable — what if people don’t respond to your video? In fact, let's say that over the next 48 hours, only a few people like it. You feel crappy.
The teen’s brain will need to dig into their resiliency tool belt. They might grab the “strategic self-talk” apparatus and say something like, “Good for me for keeping this video up rather than taking it down because I like it. I am posting with integrity, and that is what counts, not the number of likes”.
Setbacks, of course, can be much more intense. Perhaps a teen’s girlfriend broke up with them over Thanksgiving break — that sucks. The list goes on.
As parents, we have trillions of atoms in our bodies that want to relieve our kids' suffering. Sometimes they allow us to help, and other times they want nothing to do with our help.
What I offer today is an action we can do to build their resiliency. It is all about casually mentioning a time when they have overcome adversity. The key is that this is not done in response to a current challenge but to say something out of the blue.
One of the most important resiliency tools we all carry in our tool belts is the act of remembering past times we got through challenges. The problem is doing it during setbacks, and those times don’t readily come to mind.
When as adults, we take a few minutes to mention times that we saw our kids rebound, we are deepening their ability to recall such times when it is really needed.
And what is great about this move is that when they are not in the midst of a dilemma, they may be more receptive to hearing our observations.
Remember when we were all arguing so much about video gaming? How angry and upset were you that we wanted you to have a more varied life? Well, I just remembered what a hard time that was and how you decided to try the school newspaper on your own accord. You could have just stayed upset, and yet you pivoted and looked for solutions, and it has been really cool to see you continue to give this new gig with the paper a try. Your willingness to try new things is a great strength that will serve you well when life serves you with curve balls. I just wanted to say that.
Aside from this resiliency inoculation exercise I just mentioned, there will be times when our kids will indeed appreciate our being cheerleaders for them in real-time. In fact, as I was writing this today, one such moment happened.
This morning my daughter, husband, and I got to the San Francisco airport at 4:30 am. Peter and I were headed back to Seattle, and our daughter was on a different flight headed back to college. As I sat on the plane about to depart, I got a call from Tessa. She had not realized she had been waiting at the wrong gate and she missed her flight. We spoke briefly on the phone and then exchanged these texts. (My texts are in blue)
1. What does the word resiliency mean to you?
2. When was the last time you got through a challenge? (Have the whole family give an example)
3. What things did you do to help get through it?
Here is a video from the Screenagers YouTube Channel that talks more about this subject
Life, both online and off, is full of setbacks. It just is.
Resiliency is the ability to recover after a setback. For example, you’re a teen and nervously post a video of something you did over Thanksgiving break. You’re nervous because unlike posting a photo where you can put your settings such that people won’t be able to put likes, you can’t do that for videos. Now you feel vulnerable — what if people don’t respond to your video? In fact, let's say that over the next 48 hours, only a few people like it. You feel crappy.
The teen’s brain will need to dig into their resiliency tool belt. They might grab the “strategic self-talk” apparatus and say something like, “Good for me for keeping this video up rather than taking it down because I like it. I am posting with integrity, and that is what counts, not the number of likes”.
Setbacks, of course, can be much more intense. Perhaps a teen’s girlfriend broke up with them over Thanksgiving break — that sucks. The list goes on.
As parents, we have trillions of atoms in our bodies that want to relieve our kids' suffering. Sometimes they allow us to help, and other times they want nothing to do with our help.
What I offer today is an action we can do to build their resiliency. It is all about casually mentioning a time when they have overcome adversity. The key is that this is not done in response to a current challenge but to say something out of the blue.
One of the most important resiliency tools we all carry in our tool belts is the act of remembering past times we got through challenges. The problem is doing it during setbacks, and those times don’t readily come to mind.
When as adults, we take a few minutes to mention times that we saw our kids rebound, we are deepening their ability to recall such times when it is really needed.
And what is great about this move is that when they are not in the midst of a dilemma, they may be more receptive to hearing our observations.
Sometimes, I sit down to write this blog with a huge smile on my face — this is one of those times! 😊 When COVID hit, I worried about young people feeling isolated. I knew peer-to-peer programs could be powerful, but I realized there were almost none focused on navigating online challenges. So, over two and a half years, with the help of some brilliant peers, professionals, and teens we developed Boosting Bravery — a free mental wellness club that aims to provide students with knowledge and practical skills to thrive in their online and offline lives. Now, I’m thrilled to publicly launch this program that schools can access for free.
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‘Hookup Culture’—it’s a phrase that gets tossed around all the time, but what does it really mean? More importantly, how does it shape young people’s relationships, self-worth, and social expectations? The term makes it seem like all teens and young adults are participating, comfortable with it, and accepting of it as just the way things are. But wait—not so fast. Today, I’m sharing insights from teens I spoke to in my recent podcast on this topic, along with myth-busting information from Dr. Lisa Wade who offered advice for parents.
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This blog explores how children often perceive parental love as conditional, linked to their achievements. It offers insights on fostering unconditional love, with reflections and practical questions to help parents ensure their children feel valued for who they are, not just for what they accomplish.
READ MORE >for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.
