Life, both online and off, is full of setbacks. It just is.
Resiliency is the ability to recover after a setback. For example, you’re a teen and nervously post a video of something you did over Thanksgiving break. You’re nervous because unlike posting a photo where you can put your settings such that people won’t be able to put likes, you can’t do that for videos. Now you feel vulnerable — what if people don’t respond to your video? In fact, let's say that over the next 48 hours, only a few people like it. You feel crappy.
The teen’s brain will need to dig into their resiliency tool belt. They might grab the “strategic self-talk” apparatus and say something like, “Good for me for keeping this video up rather than taking it down because I like it. I am posting with integrity, and that is what counts, not the number of likes”.
Setbacks, of course, can be much more intense. Perhaps a teen’s girlfriend broke up with them over Thanksgiving break — that sucks. The list goes on.
As parents, we have trillions of atoms in our bodies that want to relieve our kids' suffering. Sometimes they allow us to help, and other times they want nothing to do with our help.
What I offer today is an action we can do to build their resiliency. It is all about casually mentioning a time when they have overcome adversity. The key is that this is not done in response to a current challenge but to say something out of the blue.
One of the most important resiliency tools we all carry in our tool belts is the act of remembering past times we got through challenges. The problem is doing it during setbacks, and those times don’t readily come to mind.
When as adults, we take a few minutes to mention times that we saw our kids rebound, we are deepening their ability to recall such times when it is really needed.
And what is great about this move is that when they are not in the midst of a dilemma, they may be more receptive to hearing our observations.
Remember when we were all arguing so much about video gaming? How angry and upset were you that we wanted you to have a more varied life? Well, I just remembered what a hard time that was and how you decided to try the school newspaper on your own accord. You could have just stayed upset, and yet you pivoted and looked for solutions, and it has been really cool to see you continue to give this new gig with the paper a try. Your willingness to try new things is a great strength that will serve you well when life serves you with curve balls. I just wanted to say that.
Aside from this resiliency inoculation exercise I just mentioned, there will be times when our kids will indeed appreciate our being cheerleaders for them in real-time. In fact, as I was writing this today, one such moment happened.
This morning my daughter, husband, and I got to the San Francisco airport at 4:30 am. Peter and I were headed back to Seattle, and our daughter was on a different flight headed back to college. As I sat on the plane about to depart, I got a call from Tessa. She had not realized she had been waiting at the wrong gate and she missed her flight. We spoke briefly on the phone and then exchanged these texts. (My texts are in blue)
1. What does the word resiliency mean to you?
2. When was the last time you got through a challenge? (Have the whole family give an example)
3. What things did you do to help get through it?
Life, both online and off, is full of setbacks. It just is.
Resiliency is the ability to recover after a setback. For example, you’re a teen and nervously post a video of something you did over Thanksgiving break. You’re nervous because unlike posting a photo where you can put your settings such that people won’t be able to put likes, you can’t do that for videos. Now you feel vulnerable — what if people don’t respond to your video? In fact, let's say that over the next 48 hours, only a few people like it. You feel crappy.
The teen’s brain will need to dig into their resiliency tool belt. They might grab the “strategic self-talk” apparatus and say something like, “Good for me for keeping this video up rather than taking it down because I like it. I am posting with integrity, and that is what counts, not the number of likes”.
Setbacks, of course, can be much more intense. Perhaps a teen’s girlfriend broke up with them over Thanksgiving break — that sucks. The list goes on.
As parents, we have trillions of atoms in our bodies that want to relieve our kids' suffering. Sometimes they allow us to help, and other times they want nothing to do with our help.
What I offer today is an action we can do to build their resiliency. It is all about casually mentioning a time when they have overcome adversity. The key is that this is not done in response to a current challenge but to say something out of the blue.
One of the most important resiliency tools we all carry in our tool belts is the act of remembering past times we got through challenges. The problem is doing it during setbacks, and those times don’t readily come to mind.
When as adults, we take a few minutes to mention times that we saw our kids rebound, we are deepening their ability to recall such times when it is really needed.
And what is great about this move is that when they are not in the midst of a dilemma, they may be more receptive to hearing our observations.
There are more opportunities than ever before — via screens — that can cause micro and macro moments of jealousy in our lives. (I will use the words “jealousy” and "envy" interchangeably even though I have meaty discussions about the nuanced differences). For example, these days, a teen may learn that the loner 9th-grade boy down the block is actually a TikTok star getting loads of attention and brand deals. Gone are the days when one had to be a Scott Baio to get all that attention. Today a teen might see, via Snap Maps, that the “it” girl from last year at school is spending loads of time with the boy she likes. Gone are the days when seeing such a thing meant you were in the same location. Or, a teen might see via a Snapchat story that the “cool crowd” were out at the park drinking alcohol. The teen might not be into drinking, but just seeing all the photos of the night can forge jealous feelings. Jealousy is a big, broad, and bullish topic worthy of discussing today.
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Should I be wearing this brand? Should I try those skateboard tricks I saw on YouTube? Should I try vaping? Throughout my kids’ school careers, I’ve always reminded them, “You are steeped in social pressures, and there is no way you can fully appreciate the weight of them until you get to the other side. Social pressures never completely disappear, but they lessen greatly after your schooling days.”
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Regret is a topic I have long felt is under-discussed. The feeling of regret is very uncomfortable. Many people I talk to who have regrets only have a mild form. They may have things they would have done differently, but the thoughts in their head don’t come up several times a day. I, however, join hands in solidarity with us less fortunate folks who have brains that experience more repetitive bouts of regret. It is one of the strongest forms of anxiety I contend with. Today I write about ways to help our kids through regret.
READ MORE >for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.
