For the last decade, I’ve asked this one question to hundreds of kids and teens all over the country:
“When it comes to screen time issues, what is the one thing you would want your parents to know?” And I almost always got the same response. “I want them to know they can trust me.”
There was such sincerity in their eyes and voices as they told me this. And then, later, many would share with me various ways they have snuck screen time at home!
What became clear to me as we spoke further was when they talked about trust, they were actually talking about their need to feel trusted, and that was way bigger than any screen time issue. These kids would express how important it was to them that they felt like their parents had true confidence in their abilities — trust in their ability to succeed in life.
Through reading the research on youth development, I have learned how much youth want and need confidence from their care providers, even when they act as if they don’t. I often think about all they are going through — navigating their endless self-critique and ongoing comparisons to others, both off and online. They are growing up in a society that idolizes individualism and competition, which can be incredibly taxing. (This is why I loved last week’s TTT about ways we as parents can call out the many areas of strength we see in our kids. I continue the theme in my Screenagers Podcast later this week.)
You might be saying, wait, maybe they just meant they want their parents to trust them and stop bothering them about screen time rules. Sure, that might be true, but plenty of kids and tweens, and yes, even teens have told me that they need help not letting screen time take over — and that they appreciate having limits in their home.
We know that fibbing, withholding key data, telling white lies, and telling big lies occur with our kids and teens (and adults). For many parents, even though we know this, we feel strong emotions when we learn our child has lied or withheld the truth. We take it personally and worry about our kids. It is really hard. It does not surprise me that in surveys of parents it is revealed that honesty is in the top 3 characteristics we want in our children. I am not condoning lying. I firmly believe that to build solid relationships, there needs to be a foundation of trust — and that is why calm conversations about this topic are important.
During COVID, there is a lot to discuss regarding who we trust on social media and the media at large. Talking about groups with long-standing existence such as the ACLU as a place to get information — or the CDC or WHO as reliable sources. They have many people overseeing and double-checking information before it goes out into the world. There is plenty of clickbait and dubious posts that should not be trusted.
This is a time of reflection about friendships and relationships and the mutual trust we’ve developed over time. I have so appreciated the emails and calls I have received from old friends. I have loved reaching out to people, by calling them and sending cards and chocolate (my joy to send).
I always tell my students that the most meaningful things in life are things that have been challenging. Thinking about this today, this definitely can apply to our closest friends, particularly ones from childhood. There is a good chance that with your oldest friends, there were issues around trust or other issues, and it is because you worked things out during those hard times that you feel particularly close now.
Having a conversation today about trust is such a great talk to have, and hopefully, you are not in any family battles over trust issues right now. If you are, I recommend not getting too personal during your Tech Talk Tuesday time, and then have a conversation about trust at a later time.
Ideas for conversation starters (questions to ask the youth in your life):
We NOW have a way for people to host online events during this time. We still strongly believe in the coming together as a group model for showing both movies, so these temporary online events will be here only while the social distancing is in place.
Click here if you are interested in hosting an ONLINE screening for your community.
Click here if you want to attend an ONLINE screening.
Subscribe to our podcast.
As well as our weekly blog, we publish videos like this one every week on the Screenagers YouTube channel
For the last decade, I’ve asked this one question to hundreds of kids and teens all over the country:
“When it comes to screen time issues, what is the one thing you would want your parents to know?” And I almost always got the same response. “I want them to know they can trust me.”
There was such sincerity in their eyes and voices as they told me this. And then, later, many would share with me various ways they have snuck screen time at home!
What became clear to me as we spoke further was when they talked about trust, they were actually talking about their need to feel trusted, and that was way bigger than any screen time issue. These kids would express how important it was to them that they felt like their parents had true confidence in their abilities — trust in their ability to succeed in life.
Through reading the research on youth development, I have learned how much youth want and need confidence from their care providers, even when they act as if they don’t. I often think about all they are going through — navigating their endless self-critique and ongoing comparisons to others, both off and online. They are growing up in a society that idolizes individualism and competition, which can be incredibly taxing. (This is why I loved last week’s TTT about ways we as parents can call out the many areas of strength we see in our kids. I continue the theme in my Screenagers Podcast later this week.)
You might be saying, wait, maybe they just meant they want their parents to trust them and stop bothering them about screen time rules. Sure, that might be true, but plenty of kids and tweens, and yes, even teens have told me that they need help not letting screen time take over — and that they appreciate having limits in their home.
We know that fibbing, withholding key data, telling white lies, and telling big lies occur with our kids and teens (and adults). For many parents, even though we know this, we feel strong emotions when we learn our child has lied or withheld the truth. We take it personally and worry about our kids. It is really hard. It does not surprise me that in surveys of parents it is revealed that honesty is in the top 3 characteristics we want in our children. I am not condoning lying. I firmly believe that to build solid relationships, there needs to be a foundation of trust — and that is why calm conversations about this topic are important.
During COVID, there is a lot to discuss regarding who we trust on social media and the media at large. Talking about groups with long-standing existence such as the ACLU as a place to get information — or the CDC or WHO as reliable sources. They have many people overseeing and double-checking information before it goes out into the world. There is plenty of clickbait and dubious posts that should not be trusted.
This is a time of reflection about friendships and relationships and the mutual trust we’ve developed over time. I have so appreciated the emails and calls I have received from old friends. I have loved reaching out to people, by calling them and sending cards and chocolate (my joy to send).
I always tell my students that the most meaningful things in life are things that have been challenging. Thinking about this today, this definitely can apply to our closest friends, particularly ones from childhood. There is a good chance that with your oldest friends, there were issues around trust or other issues, and it is because you worked things out during those hard times that you feel particularly close now.
Having a conversation today about trust is such a great talk to have, and hopefully, you are not in any family battles over trust issues right now. If you are, I recommend not getting too personal during your Tech Talk Tuesday time, and then have a conversation about trust at a later time.
Ideas for conversation starters (questions to ask the youth in your life):
We NOW have a way for people to host online events during this time. We still strongly believe in the coming together as a group model for showing both movies, so these temporary online events will be here only while the social distancing is in place.
Click here if you are interested in hosting an ONLINE screening for your community.
Click here if you want to attend an ONLINE screening.
Subscribe to our podcast.
As well as our weekly blog, we publish videos like this one every week on the Screenagers YouTube channel
Some months ago, I got back into therapy, and I remember the first day back, the therapist asked me, “Do you do a self-compassion practice?” I remember the moment because I had one of those little head-scratching kind of moments. My therapist's question about a self-compassion practice made me want to understand what I might be missing and, most importantly, how self-compassion could help me as a parent and all parents.
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I just released a new Screenagers’ Podcast episode featuring a lively and productive interview with Charlie Appelstein, a social worker and the author of “No Such Thing As A Bad Kid,” who has worked with youth and parents for over four decades. He is full of wisdom about helping youth with behavior management. Having seen his parenting workshops, I can personally attest to the remarkable insights and impactful strategies he shares. In the podcast, we address challenging scenarios, including how to determine appropriate consequences for lying and managing rude behavior from our children and teenagers, among many other topics. Read today’s blog for a sampling of some screen time dilemmas and strategies for addressing them that we tackle on the podcast
READ MORE >
We recently launched the Screenagers YouTube Channel where we will be uploading a range of new content and resources each week, such as movie clips, podcasts and other original content. I wanted this week to introduce you to the first regular feature on the channel - Screenagers Bites!
READ MORE >for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.
