As we enter week two of Mental Health Month, let’s address isolation and loneliness that can happen in homes. 

Vivek Murthy is a dearly regarded humanist and primary care physician who happens to be the nation’s top doctor, the U.S. Surgeon General. (Surgeon General is a confusing title because while a person must be a doctor to hold the position, they do not have to be a surgeon. Dr. Murthy is, like me, a primary care physician.) Surgeon generals are tasked with setting agendas to improve the nation's health.  

Dr. Murthy has been concerned with the level of loneliness experienced by people in our country. A few years ago, I was honored that when he was writing a book on this topic, he called to get my thoughts on how our tech revolution was contributing to the situation.

Recently Dr. Murthy announced that he and his team are working on a national framework to “rebuild social connection and community in America.” In his announcement, he said, “ …we have to renegotiate our relationship with technology, creating space in our lives without our devices so we can be more present with one another.”

This past week alone, I talked with people from three families about tech causing disconnection in their homes. 

Today I share one of the stories and the advice I gave one father:

The father, I will call him Jeremy, is a friend who was staying with us from out of town. He wanted to talk to me about his 14-year-old daughter, who was constantly in her room. He missed their connection and felt frustrated not knowing what was happening in her life.

He was especially concerned because he had recently discovered she had been smoking nicotine, and there was an incident with alcohol. 

During his stay, I was moved by his devotion to talking about what he could do to feel more connected with his daughter and, of course, help prevent risky behavior. His love for his daughter was so visible in his eyes.

So what to do?

When I asked my friend if they had a policy about devices out of the bedroom during the day, he said no. He said he had not ever thought that could be a possibility.

I explained that it was a policy in our home that worked well. Once my kids were 16, there were some times that some studying could happen in their room, but by then, they were so much in the habit of studying outside their room that is where they chose most of the time.

I explained that many, many families also have this same policy. And why is it important?

By being in shared spaces, even if on screens, countless little interactions happen over time, and this keeps us more connected as families.

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I gave him the following steps to follow to change the policy:

1. First, have your daughter say all the reasons why she likes to be alone in her room on her devices. Listen and even repeat back things she says so she KNOWS you are listening. You might say, “Thank her for sharing. I mean, REALLY, thank you.” And then pivot to doing something fun, like a little card game. 
2. Then the next day, have her listen to your (and your wife's) reasons for concerns and why you realize the current policy allowing devices in her room has many downsides – particularly family disconnection.
3. Finally, explain that you want to change the policy and, moving forward, devices need to be out of the bedroom. AND that you guys know, having her input around rules is essential, so talk a bit more to get her input. Perhaps you decide she can have her devices in her room on the weekends.
4. Be prepared that she might not want to talk after you set this new policy. She might storm off. That is ok. It makes sense she is upset. Remember, this move is all about helping her mental health via connection with family — that is a parent’s job. 

Jeremy said he was scared of her emotions. I said it was important to validate her emotions. He could do this by saying:  “It makes sense you are upset.” Then, reiterate some of the reasons she shared the day before. 

Let her know that given she is 14 and tech is the most powerful draw in our current lives, allowing teens to disappear into that void is not what mental health professionals recommend. 

And in terms of the issue of finding out about smoking and alcohol, we discussed several of the strategies for addressing that, which are in the latest film, Screenagers Under The Influence, and that I will be sharing in upcoming Tech Talk Tuesdays. 

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Questions to get the conversation started: 

1. During the day, how much time are devices in private spaces, like bedrooms, vs. shared spaces?

2. Is it time to create or change a policy around this?

3. Is it time for an impromptu game of charades or Bananagrams? 🙂

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Here is a video from the Screenagers YouTube Channel that talks more about this subject