When I work with tweens and teens, and we discuss emotions — they often say that jealousy is the hardest emotion they face.
There are more opportunities than ever before — via screens — that can cause micro and macro moments of jealousy in our lives. (I will use the words “jealousy” and "envy" interchangeably even though I have meaty discussions about the nuanced differences).
For example, these days, a teen may learn that the loner 9th-grade boy down the block is actually a TikTok star getting loads of attention and brand deals. Gone are the days when one had to be a Scott Baio to get all that attention. Or a teen might see, via Snap Maps, that the “it” girl from last year at school is spending loads of time with the boy she likes. Gone are the days when seeing such a thing meant you were in the same location. Or, a teen might see via a Snapchat story that the “cool crowd” were out at the park drinking alcohol. The teen might not be into drinking, but just seeing all the photos of the night can forge jealous feelings.
Jealousy is a big, broad, and bullish topic worthy of discussing today.
I start by sharing a conversation I had with a young girl last week.
The girl, I will call her Shannon, has a boyfriend. She has had fun with her job this summer, but her boyfriend has not had luck finding a job.
I asked if things were going well with the boyfriend.
Shannon told me, “Last week, one day, he was acting really weird as if he was mad at me. At the end of the day, he said he was jealous of how things were going for me. So like, I am done with him.”
Me: I responded: “Ouch, that’s hard, I get that, and yet, he’s told you his feelings — which was really gutsy. There is such a big taboo about telling someone about jealous feelings.
Shannon: Yeah, I can see that.
Me: Here is the thing, he does not want to have those feelings. Nobody asks to feel jealous. Jealousy is an incredibly yucky feeling. But feelings just come to us. We often inappropriately attach a moral judgment to jealous feelings.
Shannon: “I hadn’t thought about it that way. I just figured that it meant he was selfish like he just cares about himself and not me.”
Me: He is not a bad person because he is experiencing this jealousy. Jealousy happens to all of us at all sorts of times. I bet he is also happy for you, given that you have been together for a while and have had some close times.
A person can be happy for someone and at the same time jealous.
Shannon: “You got me thinking differently about all this. Thank you”
I share that conversation to give a concrete example of how people subtly think people are to blame for having jealous feelings and that it's a moral failing. Furthermore, people don’t think about the unspoken rule that you should talk much about your jealous feelings — whether to the person you feel jealous about or others.
When talking with teens about the challenging emotion of jealousy, they often say, “Jealousy is just bad. I just don’t let myself feel it.” Many say how they feel crappy about themselves for having such feelings.
When working with teens to create the mentoring program Boosting Bravery, we included jealousy, particularly when doing activities around challenging emotions.
For Boosting Bravery, the teens and I created the following 3-step skill to use when an emotion like jealousy pops into one’s mind. We call it the 3 E’s. (This differs from the 3 Ex's discussed in Screenagers NEXT CHAPTER).
The 3 E’s:
Expect it. Expect the feeling of jealousy to come up. It is a part of being human, and it impacts all humans.
Examine it. Ask yourself, what is jealousy telling me?
In the case of the story above, she is telling her boyfriend that he cares about finding a job in the film world. That is important to note.
Sometimes jealous feelings aren’t giving us useful information. For example, as an adult or teen, I might feel jealous of an influencer with a major following on Youtube making videos about their daily routines. They have brand deals and make videos with other famous YouTubers.
Stopping and asking, is that what I want? To make loads of videos about what I make for breakfast and the like? To worry about getting just the right posts and having to worry about how many people like it? Well, actually, I don’t truly want to do that.
Taking that couple of seconds to check in about if the emotion of envy is giving you useful info can lessen the weight of the envy.
Experiment. After doing the first 2 E’s, it’s time to experiment with how you will handle the challenging emotion constructively. Perhaps spend a few minutes journaling your feelings, sending a few cover letters for a job, or calling a trusted friend to process your feelings. It is all about experimenting to find a way that confronts the hard emotion without causing more pain than it does by its very nature.
Once, I was chatting with a close friend about jealousy, and she said, “The only thing I’m jealous of about you are your in-laws.” (She knew I was close with them).
I am sure she was not trying to be mean, but I must confess I was a bit hurt. My partially insecure self did wonder, “Was there, not any other tiny thing that caused her a twinge of jealousy? After all, there were plenty of things that I had experienced envy about her. Gosh, being jealous of my in-laws isn’t really about me.” Don’t get me wrong, the last thing I want to do is to elicit jealous feelings in others. Being able to make light of things, when possible and appropriate, is a skill I sure cherish!
*** This type of skill is similar to skills taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) — the most common form of therapy out there right now.
When I work with tweens and teens, and we discuss emotions — they often say that jealousy is the hardest emotion they face.
There are more opportunities than ever before — via screens — that can cause micro and macro moments of jealousy in our lives. (I will use the words “jealousy” and "envy" interchangeably even though I have meaty discussions about the nuanced differences).
For example, these days, a teen may learn that the loner 9th-grade boy down the block is actually a TikTok star getting loads of attention and brand deals. Gone are the days when one had to be a Scott Baio to get all that attention. Or a teen might see, via Snap Maps, that the “it” girl from last year at school is spending loads of time with the boy she likes. Gone are the days when seeing such a thing meant you were in the same location. Or, a teen might see via a Snapchat story that the “cool crowd” were out at the park drinking alcohol. The teen might not be into drinking, but just seeing all the photos of the night can forge jealous feelings.
Jealousy is a big, broad, and bullish topic worthy of discussing today.
I start by sharing a conversation I had with a young girl last week.
The girl, I will call her Shannon, has a boyfriend. She has had fun with her job this summer, but her boyfriend has not had luck finding a job.
I asked if things were going well with the boyfriend.
Shannon told me, “Last week, one day, he was acting really weird as if he was mad at me. At the end of the day, he said he was jealous of how things were going for me. So like, I am done with him.”
Me: I responded: “Ouch, that’s hard, I get that, and yet, he’s told you his feelings — which was really gutsy. There is such a big taboo about telling someone about jealous feelings.
Shannon: Yeah, I can see that.
Me: Here is the thing, he does not want to have those feelings. Nobody asks to feel jealous. Jealousy is an incredibly yucky feeling. But feelings just come to us. We often inappropriately attach a moral judgment to jealous feelings.
Shannon: “I hadn’t thought about it that way. I just figured that it meant he was selfish like he just cares about himself and not me.”
Me: He is not a bad person because he is experiencing this jealousy. Jealousy happens to all of us at all sorts of times. I bet he is also happy for you, given that you have been together for a while and have had some close times.
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