Cold shouldering, yelling, phone snatching, laptop pounding — you name it, it happens. We parents, at times, lose our cool when trying to manage tech time with our kids. We are far from perfect angels, and we act in ways we sometimes regret, be it a situation with tech, running late to pick them up (guilty as charged), or saying something that comes off as very judgemental (again, guilty as charged).
So ponder this: When was the last time you can recall apologizing to your child or teen?
Apologizing to kids can have multiple positive effects. And, if you are not in the habit of doing this much, today is a great day to consider offering one out of the blue.
If you are already good at apologizing, how about trying a more challenging apology? For example, you didn’t intend to glance at their laptop and see an open email. Still, you did, and you learned some things that you need to discuss with them, but you regret and want to apologize that you didn’t stop yourself from reading the email (yet again, guilty as charged).
Today, I review a few reasons why apologies are such a powerful part of parenting, a key part of nurturing a stronger relationship and teaching communication skills. I also share an apology I gave my daughter not that long ago.
Not long ago, Tessa, my daughter, called me upset about a summer job issue. I could feel all her emotions transfer to me, and my empathetic response wanted to problem-solve. Yet I know she prefers that I don’t chime in and start doing this, but rather, she prefers that I ask her if she wants any suggestions.
Before I could stop myself, I started chiming in. I said, “Look, it's not fair that you don’t get even one break at work. Just tell him you have to get a break.” Immediately, Tessa went silent and said, “I didn’t ask you to problem-solve!” She was upset with me and said goodbye.
I knew I wanted to do what I call a “Repair and Retry” — inspired by “Rinse and Repeat.”
I waited an hour to let her have space. And then I texted, “I would love to call when you have a sec.” When we spoke, I said I recognized that I went to problem-solving quickly. I was sorry and would be more mindful next time to ask if she wanted help brainstorming solutions. The call went well.
One thing I know for sure: if you were to ask my kids if I did a good amount of apologizing over the years, they would say a resounding “Yes” right away. They would be smiling when they would say it because they have told me over the years that they really appreciated and learned from my habit of doing this.
This apologizing practice has been influenced by my time as a researcher in human communication in the health field. A long line of data shows patients highly appreciate being apologized to by medical providers when warranted. When warranted, I do this with my patients.
Questions to get the conversations started:
Cold shouldering, yelling, phone snatching, laptop pounding — you name it, it happens. We parents, at times, lose our cool when trying to manage tech time with our kids. We are far from perfect angels, and we act in ways we sometimes regret, be it a situation with tech, running late to pick them up (guilty as charged), or saying something that comes off as very judgemental (again, guilty as charged).
So ponder this: When was the last time you can recall apologizing to your child or teen?
Apologizing to kids can have multiple positive effects. And, if you are not in the habit of doing this much, today is a great day to consider offering one out of the blue.
If you are already good at apologizing, how about trying a more challenging apology? For example, you didn’t intend to glance at their laptop and see an open email. Still, you did, and you learned some things that you need to discuss with them, but you regret and want to apologize that you didn’t stop yourself from reading the email (yet again, guilty as charged).
Today, I review a few reasons why apologies are such a powerful part of parenting, a key part of nurturing a stronger relationship and teaching communication skills. I also share an apology I gave my daughter not that long ago.
In our new film, Screenagers Under the Influence: Addressing Vaping, Drugs, and Alcohol in the Digital Age, adolescent psychologist Laura Kastner discusses the importance of natural and logical consequences. Natural consequences directly respond to a person's actions or inactions, while logical consequences have some connection to the behavior being addressed. Read in today’s blog more about how this type of punishment can backfire.
READ MORE >When thinking about burnout, we generally connect it to work, feeling like the demands are too high and nothing we do makes a difference. We can also get burned out from the job of parenting. Today, I provide strategies to help combat parental burnout, drawing from the organizational psychologist Adam Grant’s ways to address burnout in the workplace by using these three components: demand, control, and support.
READ MORE >Time for some book and podcast recommendations — Thanksgiving and winter breaks are coming up, and you might have more time to read. I am sharing some suggestions of books and podcasts I have liked — a few of which are just for parents and others are for tweens and teens.
READ MORE >for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.