Healthy Romantic Partnerships

Resources that have helped my marriage

Delaney Ruston, MD
February 8, 2022
Marriage Takes Work Collage

There are times in our decades-long marriage that either I or my husband have said the following after a night out with other people.

“Last night, it seemed like you talked A LOT.”

“Really? Actually, I thought it was the reverse — you were talking so much.”

Sound familiar to any of you?

Recently I thought of an app I could create that would address this difference of opinion. The app would learn my husband, Peter, and my voice. Then when we were with another couple for dinner,  I could put the phone on some counter and have the app going, and it would measure how much we both actually spoke. 

Who can argue with hard data? My husband and I had a good laugh thinking about such an app. 

In truth, it does not come up that often that we think the other person monopolized a conversation. Why? Because we have worked on it. And believe me, we have worked on many things in our relationship. 

One area that has required a lot of work is parenting together. We love our kids so much, and when we approach a parenting issue differently, we often move into opposite corners of a ring and then come back to the center to take cheap shots at each other.

Meanwhile, other life issues have been really hard too. At one point, my husband needed us to move for his work, which meant moving our kids far from their friends. They were in their teen years. It was a tough time in our lives indeed.

I have always sought resources to give us new skills, perspectives, and support when needed.  

Today I am sharing some tools that have helped my marriage over the years. I’ve purposely timed this post to coincide with Valentine’s Day.  Taking the time to work on one’s long-term relationship — to get help, to be vulnerable, and to compromise — is an act of love. 

Letting our kids know that long-term love takes work is a gift to them.  For example, we have not hidden the books we read on marriage. On the contrary, we discuss them at times. I love when I find our kids reading through one such book.

Join
443
others who have made the pledge!
Thank you for making the pledge!
Please try again
Book page button

Available now - Parenting in the Screen Age, from Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD

Order Here
Find A screening Button

Find a Screening - Find a screening of our movies in your local community

Learn More

Screenagers Podcast - Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for the latest Podcast

Learn More
Book page button

Available now - Parenting in the Screen Age, from Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD

Learn More
Host a Screening Button

Community Screenings - Learn more about hosting your own Screenagers community screening event!

Learn More
Parenting In The Screen Age Book Cover

Free Book Preview - Download a free preview of "Parenting In The Screen Age" by Delaney Ruston, MD

Learn More

Join Today - Members can screen and view our movies year-round, access new lesson plans, resources and much more!

Learn More
Screenagers Under The Influence Banner

Our New Movie - Learn more about the third movie in the Screenagers Trilogy

Learn More

The Screenagers YouTube Channel - Subscribe for new videos and content from our team weekly!

Learn More

Resources I recommend

First, let me start with a  TEDx Talk by psychologist and researcher Joanne Davila, “Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships.”

When we lived in New York, Davila was our therapist for a while. When we first started working with her, we did not know she had done a TEDx Talk. She helped us get through a really rocky period.

My husband and I have long been proponents of couple counseling. We even did it before we got married because we liked how an outside person helps us see things more deeply from the other person’s side and ultimately helps us feel closer.  

Davila’s talk focuses on romantic competence, which she describes as comprising of three components: insight, mutuality, and emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation, one of the key ideas in her talk, is often referred to apropos to kids and teens, but, of course, it relates to us adults as well. 

Emotion regulation means developing the ability to manage times when you might want to snap. Davila gives the example of waiting for a text back from your partner: “That text isn’t coming. You’re getting really anxious. You’re checking your phone every two seconds. With emotion regulation, you’ll be able to tell yourself, ‘You know what? Calm down — the text is going to come. I don’t need to check my phone every second. I’m just going to put it away and focus on the task at hand.”

Now let me suggest two books. 

“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” by John Gottman, PH.D. and Nan Silver

John Gottman has been studying relationships for decades and is well known for his Love Lab in Seattle. The Love Lab is a research center in which there are rooms with cameras, and married couples get asked to discuss things like a disagreement, and while doing so, different data points such as mannerisms, heart rate, and what they say get collected. He does this work with his wife, psychologist Julie Gottman. (Both of them are in Screenagers NEXT CHAPTER). 

Here is one of the quotes from the book that I found particularly helpful,

“One of the most surprising truths about marriage: most marital arguments cannot be resolved.  Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind — but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. ...they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict — and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other. “

Host a Screening Button

Community Screenings - Learn more about hosting your own Screenagers community screening event!

Learn More
Find A screening Button

Find a Screening - Find a screening of our movies in your local community

Learn More
Screenagers Podcast

Screenagers Podcast - Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for the latest Podcast

Learn More
Book page button

Available now - Parenting in the Screen Age, from Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD

Learn More
Host a Screening Button

Community Screenings - Learn more about hosting your own Screenagers community screening event!

Learn More
Parenting In The Screen Age Book Cover

Free Book Preview - Download a free preview of "Parenting In The Screen Age" by Delaney Ruston, MD

Learn More

Join Today - Members can screen and view our movies year-round, access new lesson plans, resources and much more!

Learn More
Screenagers Under The Influence Banner

Our New Movie - Learn more about the third movie in the Screenagers Trilogy

Learn More

The Screenagers YouTube Channel - Subscribe for new videos and content from our team weekly!

Learn More

Long-term marital arguments are always present, even when couples want to pretend that they are not. The Gottmans give voice to this truth and then instruct couples to practice radical acceptance. This has really helped me let go of a desire to get Peter to see things my way regarding our past, and for him as well.  We have come to a more comfortable place of knowing that we fundamentally differ on how certain things transpired in our past, and that is OK. 

The second book I suggest is Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin. This book particularly resonated with Peter.

This book focuses on neurobiology, attachment theory, and emotion regulation research. The book cover description states, “The no-fault view of conflict in this book encourages you to move past a ‘warring brain’ mentality and toward a more cooperative ‘loving brain’ understanding of your relationship.“

I know this might sound woo-woo, but a lot of the framework Tatkin uses is surprisingly helpful. Tatkin says there are three main ways people tend to relate to their partner: Anchor,  Island, or  Wave.  

Anchors don’t have big fears of abandonment and are generally pretty at ease with emotional intimacy. Feeling close comes more easily to them.

Islands, in contrast, are very independent by nature and can easily get into their own headspace and projects. They can have challenges in having a deep connection with a partner. 

Waves desire connection but can go back and forth in their ability and ease with which they do so.

Finally, I will end by saying that rather than trying to create some app to help our marriage, I hope to power off all apps and have a lovely little dinner together this Valentine's Day. 

Ideas to get the conversation started:

  1. Do you think you are more of an anchor, an island, or a wave? Do any of these describe either of you more than others?
  2. What if, as a couple, or even as a  family, we watch this Tedx Talk?
  3. What things do we still disagree about in our relationship? For instance,  how did a big life event go down? Can we accept that we might always disagree on that and try to find peace in that acceptance?

As well as our weekly blog, we publish videos like this one every week on the Screenagers YouTube channel


Book page button

Available now - Parenting in the Screen Age, from Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD

Order Here
Find A screening Button

Find a Screening - Find a screening of our movies in your local community

Learn More

Screenagers Podcast - Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for the latest Podcast

Learn More
Book page button

Available now - Parenting in the Screen Age, from Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD

Learn More
Host a Screening Button

Community Screenings - Learn more about hosting your own Screenagers community screening event!

Learn More
Parenting In The Screen Age Book Cover

Free Book Preview - Download a free preview of "Parenting In The Screen Age" by Delaney Ruston, MD

Learn More

Join Today - Members can screen and view our movies year-round, access new lesson plans, resources and much more!

Learn More
Screenagers Under The Influence Banner

Our New Movie - Learn more about the third movie in the Screenagers Trilogy

Learn More

The Screenagers YouTube Channel - Subscribe for new videos and content from our team weekly!

Learn More
Host a Screening Button

Community Screenings - Learn more about hosting your own Screenagers community screening event!

Learn More
Find A screening Button

Find a Screening - Find a screening of our movies in your local community

Learn More

Screenagers Podcast - Join Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD for the latest Podcast

Learn More
Book page button

Available now - Parenting in the Screen Age, from Screenagers filmmaker Delaney Ruston MD

Learn More
Host a Screening Button

Community Screenings - Learn more about hosting your own Screenagers community screening event!

Learn More
Parenting In The Screen Age Book Cover

Free Book Preview - Download a free preview of "Parenting In The Screen Age" by Delaney Ruston, MD

Learn More

Join Today - Members can screen and view our movies year-round, access new lesson plans, resources and much more!

Learn More
Screenagers Under The Influence Banner

Our New Movie - Learn more about the latest movie in the Screenagers Trilogy

Learn More

The Screenagers YouTube Channel - Subscribe for new videos and content from our team weekly!

Learn More
Healthy Romantic Partnerships

Resources that have helped my marriage

Delaney Ruston, MD
February 8, 2022
Marriage Takes Work Collage

There are times in our decades-long marriage that either I or my husband have said the following after a night out with other people.

“Last night, it seemed like you talked A LOT.”

“Really? Actually, I thought it was the reverse — you were talking so much.”

Sound familiar to any of you?

Recently I thought of an app I could create that would address this difference of opinion. The app would learn my husband, Peter, and my voice. Then when we were with another couple for dinner,  I could put the phone on some counter and have the app going, and it would measure how much we both actually spoke. 

Who can argue with hard data? My husband and I had a good laugh thinking about such an app. 

In truth, it does not come up that often that we think the other person monopolized a conversation. Why? Because we have worked on it. And believe me, we have worked on many things in our relationship. 

One area that has required a lot of work is parenting together. We love our kids so much, and when we approach a parenting issue differently, we often move into opposite corners of a ring and then come back to the center to take cheap shots at each other.

Meanwhile, other life issues have been really hard too. At one point, my husband needed us to move for his work, which meant moving our kids far from their friends. They were in their teen years. It was a tough time in our lives indeed.

I have always sought resources to give us new skills, perspectives, and support when needed.  

Today I am sharing some tools that have helped my marriage over the years. I’ve purposely timed this post to coincide with Valentine’s Day.  Taking the time to work on one’s long-term relationship — to get help, to be vulnerable, and to compromise — is an act of love. 

Letting our kids know that long-term love takes work is a gift to them.  For example, we have not hidden the books we read on marriage. On the contrary, we discuss them at times. I love when I find our kids reading through one such book.

More Like This

Teen Love, Hookups, And How To Talk About It All
June 20, 2023
Healthy Romantic Partnerships

Teen Love, Hookups, And How To Talk About It All

Summer is heating up, and today I'm exploring how we can help teens have a better understanding of what makes up positive romantic relationships, including physical intimacy. In a past survey, teens between the ages of 14 and 17 were asked what sources help them understand sex. They responded that helpful information was most likely to come from parents, 31%, and 22 % from friends. We're a great resource if we want to take on this challenge and get better at it.

READ MORE >
Let's Tell Our Kids About The Work Of Marriage
August 10, 2021
Healthy Romantic Partnerships

Let's Tell Our Kids About The Work Of Marriage

Today I share how my husband and I got to a better place with our communication conflict and why we shared the details with our kids. Life is not about riding horses off into the sunset but rather riding elephants into plain view.

READ MORE >
Parents In Conflict Over Screen Time
July 13, 2021
Healthy Romantic Partnerships

Parents In Conflict Over Screen Time

Today I share strategies to help parents in conflict over screen time limits. I know, generally, it is important to have a united front for our kids about things like rules, but what about the benefits of bringing some conflict out into the open at times?

READ MORE >

parenting in the screen age

for more like this, DR. DELANEY RUSTON'S NEW BOOK, PARENTING IN THE SCREEN AGE, IS THE DEFINITIVE GUIDE FOR TODAY’S PARENTS. WITH INSIGHTS ON SCREEN TIME FROM RESEARCHERS, INPUT FROM KIDS & TEENS, THIS BOOK IS PACKED WITH SOLUTIONS FOR HOW TO START AND SUSTAIN PRODUCTIVE FAMILY TALKS ABOUT TECHNOLOGY AND IT’S IMPACT ON OUR MENTAL WELLBEING.  

ORDER HERE
Parenting in the Screen Age book cover