A couple of weeks ago on Linkedin, I added this line under my bio because this is something deeply important to me: 

“My main job is to learn to love the best I can and be loved the best I can.”

Love is the most important thing we do. Yes, love is a feeling, but it is also the millions of actions we do.

I remember when my therapist said, “We can only be judged by what we do.” Her point is that one might have all the loving thoughts in the world, but until we act upon them, no one will know we have them. 

Our thoughts are irrelevant to others until we change them into actions. 

Consider a scenario where a parent has the thought that he was impressed by his son’s patience with his younger sister when he just persuaded her to remove her feet from the table. However, this admiration remains inconsequential to Joey unless tangible expressions of recognition accompany it. These can manifest as a warm, approving smile as the son performs the act, a direct verbal acknowledgment of his patience, or a high five paired with a knowing glance if they have previously discussed such behavior. 

Similarly, our emotions only impact others if we convey them through some form of expression. If the emotion in question is love, it remains unnoticed unless expressed through words or actions. For instance, saying "I love you," offering a gentle kiss on the forehead, or attentively listening to someone sharing a story they've written. These small but significant gestures are essential for making our love known to others.

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Love is the Greatest Gift

Recently, I have had many conversations with people about gift-giving, complicated relationships, and the holidays. Here are some points that might help you feel empowered and share love over the holiday break.

1. Many adults I have spoken with have talked about how the most touching gifts they've received are ones in which someone shares their feelings or cherished shared memories in written form. This has inspired me to buy some beautiful notebooks, and I have started writing my thoughts and memories for people, intending to present these notebooks as heartfelt holiday gifts.

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2. A friend told me about her daughter, who is coming home for winter break, and how she is happy but also sad. She is sad thinking that her daughter has been distant from her for a couple of years for unclear reasons. Despite numerous attempts to engage in conversations to resolve any issues, the mom remains at a loss about how to mend their strained relationship.

I said to my friend, “That sounds so hard. One thing that can be such a gift to her and can nourish the relationship would be to put a note on her bed that talks about some little routine you had with her when she was a child and how you cherish those memories. Or it could be a little letter about aspects of her that you find endearing or are in awe of. 

The more we take hold of our actions to give our love and focus less on how others show their love to us, the greater our chance of feeling more settled in our hearts. And our actions of love do have an impact, in small and big ways.”

My friend told me she really liked what I was saying, and she might indeed do this. 

I added, “Remember, even if your daughter shows no reaction to whatever you give her, have faith that these small acts of love do make a difference.”

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3. I was talking with a 38-year-old man who was reflecting on all the disappointments he has felt in his relationship with his mom. Many of those disappointments stem from her long history of alcoholism. He expressed a desire to tell his mom about the pain he has felt but has not yet done so he is convinced she would just respond defensively. 

I said to him, “What if you instead thought of some of the things you have loved about your mom and perhaps shared some of those with her or wrote them in a notebook and shared them that way?” 

I kid you not, but tears started flowing down his face, and he said, “Yes, I want to do that.”

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We all have a lot of love in us. What ways can we turn this love into gifts for people in our lives this holiday season?

What if you had a conversation with youth in your lives about the ways you try to show your love to them? Do they experience your actions and words as love? In addition, you can ask your kids, “What feelings of love towards friends, family, or their animals do you have?” And,  “How do you share it?”

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Points to get the conversation started in your family

1. What do you think of Delaney’s “My main job is to learn to love the best I can and be loved the best I can.”
2. What do we think about this quote, “We can only be judged by what we do.” 
3. Let’s talk about our feelings of love and how we turn these into behaviors. 
4. Do you have some ideas for gifts of love? Can you think of ones where we write or make things for people? (Even if the holiday is over, such as Hanukkah, late gifts are still gifts!) 

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This week on YouTube

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